Conflict & Assertive Communication

 

Conflict is a part of everyday life, -  with the people in our home environment, and at work, and even within ourselves, - different parts of our personality will have different needs and perspectives and we often find ourselves arguing with ourselves.  Conflict can be a tiring, and emotionally distressing experience, especially where it is ongoing and seems unresolvable.

Dealing with conflict effectively, - taking the time to acknowledge and address each parties needs, and fears actually builds intimacy in relationships and self esteem for both parties.

The intensity of conflict can vary from a calm discussion through to physical violence. 

 

The factors that influence the intensity are :

 

  • Learnt behaviour when dealing with conflict - based on our parents way of dealing with conflict when we were children.

  • The degree of importance/ significance each party places on the particular need or  want.

  • Ability to manage intense emotions in self and others.

  • Willingness to resolve conflict with the other party.


When conflict is ongoing and seems unresolvable, we can become despairing, give up on our relationships and feel bad about ourselves.  Finding a way through the painful emotions that are stirred up in a conflict is challenging.

 

We wonder – “wouldn’t life be easier if we got our own way all the time? –  If only people could see things my way,  the right way.”

 

Well maybe not, - without parental boundaries a child becomes very insecure and subsequently unhappy in a scary world. An adolescent or adult can become an abusive tyrant, with an unrealistic and dangerous sense of their own power and importance.

 

Resolving conflict with others actually adds to our self esteem and sense of well being, it can bring greater intimacy to our relationships.

 

Resolving conflict positively requires:

 

  • Managing strong emotions,  we may need to ‘let off steam’ elsewhere before we attempt to communicate              effectively, an acceptance of feelings as real even when they don’t seem rational.

  • Respect for ourselves and others, we have equal rights.

  • Letting go of the idea that someone is right and the other wrong.

  • Self worth - feeling good about ourselves means we are able to acknowledge our part in the conflict situation,       cope with difference and imperfection in ourselves and others.

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  • Willingness to resolve conflict rather than run from it, or be consumed by it.

  • Good listening and communication skills, validating the other persons perspective by  listening with the intent       to  understand - even though we don’t agree.

  • Assertive communication – taking responsibility for how we feel, rather than blaming others and making judgments about them, e.g. using “I” statements like, – “when you don’t keep your agreements with me

  • I feel unimportant to you. Using a third party, - mediator or counsellor can assist where conflict is complicated and feelings are very  intense.

  • Listening to our own internal dialogue, in order to validate the different needs and viewpoints within us – keeping a journal, and identifying different ‘selves’ – the pusher, critic, child, caring parent, rulemaker etc.

 

Fair fighting rules:

Make the time and space to hear each other out.

 

  1. Active listening, - take it in turns to talk and listen, and feed back the gist of what you are hearing from your partner until they feel accurately heard and understood.

  2. Stick to one subject at a time.

  3. Stay in the present.

  4. Respect each other, don’t talk each other down

  5. Communicate clearly, - attack the problem not the person.

  6. Don’t hit below the belt, and don’t wear the belt too high!

  7. Don’t read your partner’s mind, or expect them to read yours - say what you feel, what you need and what  your fears are.

  8. Don’t blame, the situation is the catalyst, and your feelings are your responsibility to manage.

  9. Take time out to cool down if you are blaming and attacking each other

  10. Broaden your outlook, put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

  11. Look at possibilities for solution once you have heard each other out.

 

 

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